It’s been a long time since I’ve updated Simple Complexity.
Have always wanted to, but… ugh, actually I can come out with a thousand and one excuses but guess the truth is I didn’t want it enough to take the necessary time out to do it. That’s how it is with everyone, I daresay. If you dig deep enough, and have the balls to see the Truth for what it is, “Not enough Time” is really one of the lamest reason ever. If something is deemed important enough, you will make time for it.
Since my last entry, much has happened. Duh… yeah, it’s been >2 years.
I’ve completed more events, ticked off more stuff on my 35 to 35 list, continued ticking more off even after I passed my 35th birthday, quit jobs, got fired from jobs, allowed a dead-end relationship to die a natural death, fell in love with someone else, fell out of love, then fell in love again, lost relatives to old age, lost friends to misc reasons, made new friends… etc.
I wish I have something motivational to say. I wish there is a “happy ending” to this – that I can tell everyone that I’ve finally found my forever person, gotten my Life in order, am in a job that fulfills me, and that I have forgiven myself for my past misdeeds and moved on.
Unfortunately I can’t.
I’ve struggled with bipolar disorder – gotten into huge bouts of depression that almost led to suicide, collected more scars on my arms; and committed for even more events during my manic phases. It has been lovely, it’s been painful. Till today, am merely taking things a day at a time, constantly telling myself to hang in there, that everything will be okay… that I will be okay.
Today has been rough. My current emotions are out-of-sync. I’m over-thinking, I’m on the edge, and I’m just feeling a mixture of restlessness, anger, frustration, helplessness. I’m battling the desire to smash something. I’m fighting to urge to cry. If I ain’t at work now, at a new job, either the former or later (or even both) would have happened. The trigger is Him. I don’t wish to be over-dramatic but for reasons that I can’t mention on a public journal, let’s just call him B (short for Brown from LINE as it is a representation of him).
I have to admit this. I am in a toxic relationship with B. Well… if it can even be called a ‘relationship’ to begin with, as we aren’t even publicly a couple. With him, I can never tell anyone that we are together. We struggle to find time to even meetup, due to conflicting work schedules and other commitment. We barely speak on the phone for the same reasons. Perhaps it is fine, if both of us are equally committed, and want this equally… but somehow, I don’t feel secure in this. I feel that it’s one-sided – that I want the relationship more than he does. I’m always the one making allowances, giving in after fights, being hurt yet burying my emotions.
It’s fucked up. I stay by telling myself that it’s okay if there are more happy memories than unhappy ones. I stay by telling myself that things will change. Yet, I hate myself for being unable to summon the strength to leave. I hate myself for being stupid enough to allow another person to treat me this way. Things have already changed – it wasn’t this way when he was ‘chasing’ me. He used to care more, he used to take the initiative more, he used to be there more. Until he wasn’t.
I know, I know. This is all one side of the story. Am sure he has a tale to tell as well, and I sure as heck gonna admit that I haven’t been the perfect girlfriend.
I am writing this now cos I’m trying. I’m trying my utmost to not give into the temptation of contacting him. We had a fight earlier, and it’s been hours since last contact. He has read my whatsapp texts from hours ago, and declined to respond. Might be be busy, you ask? Well… he has replied to others in group chats – group chats that I happen to be in as well, as we share circles of mutual friends. It is apparent that he is ignoring me, like he always does after a fight. He will continue to ignore me till I spam his phone, after I grovel, after I beg him to respond, and after I change the topic.
I just need to get all this off my chest before to implode, and I suppose what better way than to put this out into the nether? I mean… since I can’t exactly talk about this to anyone else cos I can’t publicize this relationship. Well of cos if any of my friends stumble upon this and read this, it doesn’t count! That kills me, you know. To have issues and be unable to talk about it. Then again, talking about it will not be very productive either, cos the advice I’ll obtain from friends is something I’ve known all this while, and I don’t disagree with – walk away.
Walk away. I look forward to the day that I can. In the meantime, I’ll just have to be thankful that despite everything I feel / don’t feel… I am still alive.
Or am I?